[Clarity] Truth Hangovers: #3 You Punish the Trigger

Why Did I Tell You THAT?!?

We tell the truth and then…our mind punishes us.

Stage One – Ego Attacks You.

Stage Two – Doubting the Delivery.

Stage Three – Punishing the Trigger.

It’s time to punish the trigger.  A deep seated part of you now feels VERY vulnerable and wants to punish whatever or WHOEVER forced your revelation to the surface. 

That “WHO” you punish might be your husband, your child or even YOU.

Stage Three – Punishing the Trigger

“It’s YOUR fault that you made me tell you how much I don’t trust you!”

The most common way we tell the truth is in an argument.  We share our deep, scary truths when we are hurt or angry because our security filter loosens enough to let slip the things we’ve hidden. 

Once the “cat is out of the bag” regret hits.

To avoid the pain and discomfort of regret, we point our fingers in blame, so we can feel anger at our “provoker” instead of shame or regret. 

As a high-conflict divorce lawyer this example is very real and very repeated:

Wife:  Are you cheating on me? Are YOU CHEATING ON ME?

Husband: Yes. YES. I AM!! And you wanna know why? Because no one wants 

                        to sleep with an ice queen. 

The guy surfaces his hidden truth in a moment of anger. And then in the split second before shame and regret can drown him, he punishes his trigger, his wife, by blaming her not only for TELLING the truth but causing it as well. 

The harder, emotionally mature response is to stay in the pain. 

We are NOT taught how to sit in pain for ANY period of time. 

The moment we make an unattractive disclosure we try to lessen it, take it back, explain it away or cast our discomfort onto someone else (blame). 

Think back to the last time you told a painful truth. Did you speak it and then immediately soften it? Didn’t you mentally get angry at the person or situation for wringing that truth out of you?

The emotion of “righteous indignation” is often best-friends with the thought of “well, what did they expect after that?”


Can you STAY in the spotlight of your truth, without turning

it’s blinding light on another to feel better? 

Own what is YOURS to own. 

 In Joy,

P.S. The only fitting P.S. is to listen to “The Policy of Truth” a much loved song from my college days by Depeche Mode. The alternate title could EASILY have been “Tanya’s Truth Hangover Song”, but that IS longer…

You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn’t you
Now you’re not satisfied
With what you’re being put through

It’s just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth

Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilized
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you’d only lied

It’s too late to change events
It’s time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

Now you’re standing there tongue tied
You’d better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell

You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

Songwriters: Martin GorePolicy of Truth lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC 

After her 2011 divorce, Tanya set out to learn WHY soo many marriages fail. She used what she learned to save her 2nd marriage and found her calling to Save YOURS too.

She is a 22-year Divorce Lawyer, Founder of a High-Conflict Divorce Firm, Author of ‘The Smart Guide to Life After Divorce’, Mensa Member, Advanced Clinically Certified in Hypnotherapy, Metaphysics PhD Candidate, Spiritual Teacher, Speaker & Life Coach. 

Her coaching is recommended by the World-Famous Motivator, Les Brown, Best-Selling Love Coach Greg Baer and International Change Expert, Dr. Eldon Taylor. 

Her greatest credential is finally separating Struggle from Success in Life & Marriage.

Find Even More on the Resources page of the website: www.FearlessFocusCoaching.com/Resources

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