Appreciation is Verbal Noticing
PLEASE don’t make me remind you to notice something good I do.
Appreciate me without reminders.
The reason that men don’t appreciate their Alpha women as much as we want is because they are NOT Alpha women!
Men are taught not to seek out appreciation and consequently aren’t good at receiving it themselves.
Because it’s NOT something they want, it’s not something they give.
Oh but this is a heavy blow to the high achieving woman!
Why is it so stressful? Because if you have to remind him to get it, then even IF he does it, it does NOT count.
#2 Give Appreciation Without Reminding
For any man reading this that’s wondering about this, here’s how this works:
If I tell YOU to tell ME, “thank you for doing extra housework” in preparation for your family to visit, it means that you did NOT notice that A) I was doing “more than I should“ and B) if you DID notice, it was not important enough for you to mention.
We pretty much take that as – WE are not important enough to you.
Our evidence of unimportance is your lack of Attention (last week’s focus) to what we’re doing and refusal to believe we NEED appreciation.
Men let me help you. If you have this issue with your wife, you likely did not grow up being taught to appreciate your Mom. Yep. That’s pretty much it.
Women, don’t do a victory lap about that!
It means that even if you ask and beg and try to get him to show you appreciation, in the absence of him changing his core belief about appreciation (from optional to a necessity that HE should arrange for) you’re still stuck.
He will make efforts after you complain but it will fade back to his default setting of “appreciation is only for extraordinary stuff”.
Men: Take a look at how you interacted with your mother and your sisters when you were young. Were you verbally appreciative of your mother on a regular basis (Mother’s Day and her birthday and Christmas do not count)?
If not, you never learned the skill or the necessity of appreciation.
If you would like to improve your marriage, you have to spend a few minutes looking at your core belief that you got from your mother, that MOM didn’t need any appreciation and think about how your wife is DIFFERENT from your mom in a good way.
Women: A great deal of the appreciation that you believe you need is often about your ego. Assume 30-60% falls in that category.
What’s left is a genuine human need to have your contribution counted fairly. It stems from early ages where pulling your weight in the tribe meant you were safe, you were protected, you were fed and not abandoned. Serious hard wiring.
There is room for both men and women to grow in Appreciation.
Women, begin by appreciating you may be asking him to perform a skill he genuinely believes is not only optional, but associated with unlikable people. We are ALL works in progress.
P.S. I drove three hours to the city to get my twice yearly hair trim. It is the one-year anniversary of me cutting off all of my chemically relaxed hair and growing in my natural, super curly hair. (Epic huge deal for a black woman). The growth I have achieved is phenomenal. And I asked the hairdresser to blow dry and flat iron my hair straight so I could see how long it was for the first time in a year!
She did it. I was overjoyed and I immediately sent a picture to my husband who did not gush the appreciation I would’ve loved.
My desire fell into the ego category. I caught myself about to REMIND him and laughed and stopped. My girlfriends and I will meet this need better!
After her 2011 divorce, Tanya set out to learn WHY soo many marriages fail. She used what she learned to save her 2nd marriage and found her calling to Save YOURS too.
She is a 22-year Divorce Lawyer, Founder of a High-Conflict Divorce Firm, Author of ‘The Smart Guide to Life After Divorce’, Mensa Member, Advanced Clinically Certified in Hypnotherapy, Metaphysics PhD Candidate, Spiritual Teacher, Speaker & Life Coach.
Her coaching is recommended by the World-Famous Motivator, Les Brown, Best-Selling Love Coach Greg Baer and International Change Expert, Dr. Eldon Taylor.
Her greatest credential is finally separating Struggle from Success in Life & Marriage.
Find Even More on the Resources page of the website: www.FearlessFocusCoaching.com/Resources