We are learning The 3 Life Cycles of the Alpha – the origin of you! Thanks Mom & Dad!
You want the shortest version? You are running around trying to get whatever you DIDN’T get as a child and trying to compensate with your superpowers because you blamed yourself for NOT getting/losing whatever it was.
Last week’s post – The Alpha Life Cycles – Fight Our Men #1
Just Like the Universe, We Were Formed By An (Emotionally) Explosive Event
Last week I told you that we hit an “Abandonment Event” early in our lives that set us on the course to Alpha-dom. Whatever it was, it imprinted you with fear.
I’ll share mine. It is the earliest story I remember that completely shifted my life. It’s about CAKE. Yep, specifically Entenmann’s Louisiana Crunch Cake. Read on!
“The Joke” or How to Damage a 5 Year Old For Life…
My family loved this cake. Mom, dad and older sister (10). My mom decides to divvy up the cake giving each family member their own portion at the beginning of the week. Everyone eats theirs. (Yep, you can see where THIS is going!)
I am 5 and I divide my portion into a few pieces and decide to SAVE IT(Note: have you seen the famous 1970’s Standford Marshmallow test done with 5 year olds? It predicts their future success by ability to defer instant gratification. I pretty much had that nailed!).
Friday finally arrives. My family is at the dinner table and it’s time for dessert! I ask for my last slice of cake. The answer is…sorry, you father took it for his lunch.
And my world crashed.
What do you mean he took MY cake? I planned for this (Alphas are Planners). I sacrificed to have it now and my parents casually tell me it’s gone and they do NOT care how upset I am. In fact, they begin…to laugh over my grief and anger.
I am inconsolable. I cannot imagine a greater injustice than having MY father steal from me and watch MY mother laugh off his offense. I am so upset I announce I am leaving. I’ll run away and flee the table in tears.
I get my Barbie suitcase (loved that thing!) and fill it with whatever a 5 yr old would. I return to the kitchen and see my family is pretending nothing is wrong.
I drag my suitcase loudly and slowly up the stairs to the back door. I open the back door at NIGHT (scary!!) and… no one is stopping me. I am waiting to be STOPPED. Brought back. Hugged and consoled. I made it to the end of the driveway before I collapsed in tears.
And…after what felt like eternity, head hung low when no one came for me, I dragged myself back, heart broken. (Yes, I believe they kept an eye on me and probably thought this was a joke.)
What Did This Event Teach Me INSTANTLY?
- You cannot trust those who say they love you
- Love is NOT safe
- Your preferences are honored only when convenient
- If you are strongest, rules do not apply to you
- Hard work can be taken from you
- You are on your own when you are hurt
- Vulnerability/weakness is punished
- My feelings are little things that don’t matter
It taught me that I was NOT enough and I was not safe with my own family (-> I’m not worthy of love). I learned that ONLY I would provide for and protect me (-> Don’t trust others). Since I cannot depend on them, I have to stay in control (Next Week!) of others to ensure they do not hurt me or leave me. These are all sabotaging beliefs!
These beliefs are COMMON to Alphas. These are what I work to heal.
Happy Endings ARE Possible
I healed this story only in the last few years. It survived 35 years!! Want the closure of a happy ending?
On a recent trip to my father’s home in Dallas, I discovered one single apple turnover (pastry our family also loves, we like our sweets!) left on the counter. Didn’t eat it. Bought another package.
My dad saw me opening the new package and asked, “Why didn’t you eat the other one?” “It was yours Daddy and the last one.” His reply, “That doesn’t matter. If you wanted it, you could’ve eaten mine.”
And yes, that made me cry. (Tearing up typing it). You can heal your family stuff, no matter how it started or how bad it is. Until you do, the fear based lessons you’ve learned early on will make you FIGHT to get what you need.
You will FIGHT with family, friends and co-workers who you fear will DISAPPOINT. ABANDON. ABUSE or NEGLECT you. You will voluntarily isolate yourself to avoid being left alone!
Alphas FIGHT with the world because we learned that those who most love us don’t always keep us safe.
It is up to YOU to keep you safe FIRST.
Once you do that, you can receive it from others and not before.
P.S For those of you watching the happy saga of “Tanya’s Alpha Mate” – he is really showing up. I’m headed to New Zealand with him in two weeks and then back to Australia. Then on to Texas and Alabama to speak and teach workshops. I designed my life to travel like this.
And the reason that I can create a relationship across the planet, 10,000 miles (15K Kms) away is because I have learned how to give myself security BEFORE seeking it from another.
When I’m secure, I am NOT emotional, needy or reactive and I give him room to open up his emotions and make mistakes without a FIGHT. A misstep by him does not mean I will be abandoned, so I don’t have to FIGHT.
Ultimate Win? I no longer abandon ME. Hit reply and let me know if you understand what that means…
Tanya Stewart is “The Alpha Woman Coach” and began coaching strong women as a Divorce lawyer in her own high conflict law firm 20 years ago. She understands how Alpha women are wired and using her Master’s level Metaphysics background and Advanced Clinical Certification in Hypnotherapy, she brings rapid change to people she works with.
She is a speaker, published author and Mensa member whose coaching is recommended by the World-Famous Motivator, Les Brown, Best-Selling Love Coach Greg Baer and International Change Expert, Dr. Eldon Taylor. She can teach you to separate struggle from success.
ALL My videos are always on my Vimeo channel HERE
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